They say “the heart wants what the heart wants”, but that isn’t always what it needs…
I got some tough news yesterday. I’m not going to be getting the job that I wanted to and I’m struggling with that reality. There are parts of me that wanted to work for Liquid because of what they do and who they are, and then there are parts of me that just don’t want to have to restart the process over again. That last one is laziness rearing it’s ugly head, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
Today was tougher than yesterday emotionally. I got the news in the middle of the day yesterday and was sad for a bit but then I went to the SHC Thanksgiving dinner and helped out and talked to people which lifted my mood. Today I didn’t have those types of things to lift me out of it so it was harder.
Over the course of the past two years I have made a conscious effort to keep myself from hyping up possibilities for the future in case they never become realities, but it rarely actually goes that way. I have always had trouble swallowing the reality of life not going where or how I want it, as I believe we all have, but recently it’s been harder to accept things not happening that I feel like are good or even great things. That is when one’s faith is really put to the flames: when you believe with full conviction that something would be really good not only for you, but for the Kingdom; and then it doesn’t happen or it doesn’t happen on your timeline. This isn’t the first situation like this that I’ve had to wrestle with over the last couple years and it never seems to get easier.
I am deeply reminded that the words of man are fleeting. Several times now I have been assured by others that (this thing) or (that thing) should/could/or would happen, and come to find out, they don’t. Can I fault the people I listened to? No. They always have good intentions and genuinely believe that these things could come to pass, but they don’t have the power in and of themselves to make it happen. The pain of let down or disappointment can feel so overwhelming sometimes that we can forget to be thankful for the good that God has blessed us with. We forget that God has dope things in the works and we just can’t see behind the scenes. We take our eyes off of where our help comes from and set them on our current situations. We cannot continue to do this friends! There is only heartbreak in these types of life situations. There is only pain to be had. Only in the promises of God can we find peace and hope and comfort in the midst of the hurt.
This is what I am trying to do.
God knows where I’ll be next year. He knows who will keep me company. He knows every detail, it’s just trusting in what you can’t see that’s the hard part, right? I have learned to deal with this kind of pain so I can safely say by God’s grace that I am not paralyzed. I just need to keep loving and serving who I have in front of me and searching for what God has next for me.
Please continue to pray for peace for my heart as well as discernment in decision making. I want so greatly for certain things to happen; good things, but they are ultimately out of my grasp. I need to daily lay down my will and take up his. Lord give me the grace to do this..