As I laid sick in bed scrolling through FB, I came across a timely reminder from a sister in Christ that I didn’t realize I needed. She was talking about surrendering your will to God’s, which is something beforehand that I thought I had done pretty well and was currently doing.. But as I watched this short video I was struck by the reality that there were things my will was still holding on to, things that I hadn’t surrendered to God. If you have ever had similar realizations, you know that they are not pleasant; in fact often times they are painful and distressing because we are people who want what we want when we want it and just how we want it.
So as I laid there this feeling of sadness swept over me as if I was losing something, as if I had already lost what I didn’t even have. At that very same moment I knew that I had indeed been holding on to parts of my own will that I didn’t want to let go. It can be so hard as humans with deep-rooted desires to give those desires up to the unknown and hope that they are fulfilled. Even when who you are giving them up to is a loving and all powerful God, as people with hearts and emotions, it is difficult. I don’t often think of myself as a selfish person, but we all are selfish beings in ways that others may not immediately see. For me, one of these things is definitely what I desire for my future.
That night I could feel God pulling apart my will and exposing the hidden things inside. I was then faced with the reality of my situation and was given a choice; I could either choose to hold on to the desires I have for what I feel my future should look like or I could give it up to the Father who has always taken care of me and my needs. In the moment it sounded crazy to hold on to them even though it was painful to let go. See, I am a constant work in progress when it comes to my desires.. Those are the things (or lack thereof) we feel are part of what makes us who we are, what makes us an individual.
So I have given up the last of my will unto His. I know that I will have to continue to do this weekly if not daily as these desires are strong and (I feel) right. The fact that my future is unclear is very unsettling to me. I like to have all my ducks in a row so to speak when it comes to the future. As of right now, I can’t even see the ducks, much less make them line up. Well, this is going to be a process but I know that God is continuing to mold this stubborn heart through it all. I don’t like it, but it is necessary. Please continue to pray for yer boy that I would take the grace freely given to me to keep surrendering my will unto God’s. That I would rest peacefully in the strength and omniscience of the Most High. It won’t be easy at times but I already know he’s preparing and has prepared something dope for my future, I just wish I could see it..
Thanks for your continued support and encouragement, especially those who have supported financially and those who have reached out and asked how I am doing. You all are loved.