Normally I have something specific I want to write about before I post, today is not the case, I don’t even really know what to title this post. I feel the need to jot down some emotions and thoughts but at the same time I don’t really know what, so I pray that the Holy Spirit within me would lead my mind/hands in whatever I will henceforth post.
*takes a gulp of some of the best coffee on Earth*
Everyone knows that I am a sinner. Even if this is the first blog post of mine that you have read, even if you have never met me. You probably have some understanding that inside every person there is evil: a tendency to think/speak/do bad things. I am no different. I am one of the weakest of these. I hold no strength in my own will. When I was younger I wasn’t aware of this fact and so when the temptation to do anything that was not proper of a man holding the label “Christian” came up, I would just give in and do whatever my flesh pulled me to do. Some of you might not know this, but I had a pretty bad anger problem which peaked in sending a young girl (a friend) to the ER. Those who were in my circle at the time might not have noticed that there was an anger in me because it didn’t come out very often, but when it did it exploded with great force. I still have little temptations of this sin left in my life, but by God’s grace I have been broken and restored in this area.
I have already discussed my most prevalent sin in a previous blog post and am still in need of God’s grace to both combat it and forgive me. It is in this battle that I have recently been learning the most about my God. The vastness of his love and grace is so much more tangible when you know you need it. Fierce by Jesus Culture comes to mind when I think of me in relation to the love of the Father. At other times I haven’t been acutely aware of these facets of God because they have not been thrown in my face, and while it is humbling to think of, it also brings tears to my eyes when my sin is met with love and forgiveness for the 100th, 500th, 1,000th time. It doesn’t make sense, but then again, true pure love doesn’t. I’m not talking about the “love” that the world thinks is love: the infatuation and lust that is so often slapped with the love label. The love I’m talking about is the sacrificial, no-strings-attached, choice that the Father has taken. It teaches me how to love better. It reminds me of how I need to love others because I have been loved.
I keep coming back to the fact that he has chosen me to be his hands and feet in Haiti…me? This guy? It spurs me on to work harder, to love harder. How can I not love (and everything that implies: forgiveness, compassion, sacrifice) those that have been put in front of me when I have undeservedly received love every single day of my life? I am humbled to be seen as worthy in the eyes of the Father. That he would give me the responsibilities of serving his children in Haiti, or anywhere for that matter. That he would put me in leadership positions and trust me with anything really.
*looks at coffee cup but realizes it’s gone, goes to get more*
I’m not sure where to go from here..
BTW I’m listening to Benjah. You should go check him out.
SO, in lieu of Valentine’s day approaching, I’ve been looking forward expectantly to the day that God blesses me with my “good thing” (Prov. 18:22). I have taken more seriously in the past few months my sin and spiritual disciplines in preparation for a Proverbs 31 woman. I know that I need to get my act together if someone would agree to marry me. So if you all could please be in prayer for me in that respect I would be very grateful. I have begun to pray for her that God would prepare her heart and mine even before we get together. I hadn’t looked forward to this for a long time now, and now that I am, I’m trying not to “awaken love before it’s time.” If I’m honest though, that is hard. The heart and it’s emotions are a strong thing. Protecting one’s heart can be very hard: we often want to rush into love with arms wide open. Waiting is always a pain. But I’ve had the grace to master all these things. I need prayer to continue mastering them haha.. As I said, I am weak.
IN OTHER NEWS, from next week until the middle of March I will be busy nonstop. WE have a medical group from Eastern Michigan University coming on Sunday and leaving next Saturday and that same day I will be leaving to visit the FFP peeps in the Dominican Republic until the 28th because we have another group coming on the 1st of March. After that group Stone Hill comes! Looking forward to serving these next three groups and I’d appreciate prayers for strength to lead and serve and work well. Please also pray for protection for groups and our staff. The reality of working in Haiti is that it’s dangerous. In the words of Pastor V, the day we as an organization stop praying for and thanking God for his protection, is the day that we put ourselves in grave danger.
Thank you all for your continued support both monetarily and in prayer. Please know that it is changing lives, of which mine is one.