A little honesty. AKA me being vulnerable about the things that used to define me.

 

I’ve wrestled with myself for a year now over whether or not to share this explicitly. Well, I guess I’ve come to the point where I feel I can be totally open about my struggles as a broken, sinful person. It may be easier to write this as a blog then to tell people face to face, or even over social media such as whatsapp or FB messenger, after all, those are instant and people can respond within seconds. I think the fact that this is just out there for people to read or not, makes it easier than having personal conversations with people about it. Those have always been hardest for me as I have dealt with shame and regret many times in the past (as is normal with habitual sin). But I believe I am past that now, I have not had a problem opening up to several close friends in the past year or so that I never would have before, especially when this beast was at its worst.

The struggle that I have had since I was in middle school (I only say that because I don’t remember at what age it started) is that of lust, specifically pornography. High school and the few years after were the worst for me, action-wise. At the peak of my addiction I watched pornography up to three times a day: a full-blown addiction. I tried accountability partners, internet monitoring software, etc. but the whisper of my idol would always convince me to find a way around the roadblocks (albeit weak) I had set up to block it off from my heart. You see, lust is a problem of the heart. In essence, I wanted something that God created for his glory, his goodness, but I wanted it in a way that was glorifying to my own flesh. That’s what sexual sin is, it’s the belief that God’s way is not ultimately good, and willingness to break that and use it for your own selfish desires. Selfishness.. now that’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life, and I don’t think I’m the only one who has. Anyway, throughout high school this selfishness of the heart and flesh ruled my life. It seeped into my thought life, changing the way I viewed girls/women around me; my sisters in Christ. When it called, I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) say no, I gave in time and time again.

Years go by, I go through my first relationship and because of pornography, I mess it up and things go south. I get called to mission work in a foreign country away from my friends and family (the first time). I come back go the states and get a job working for my church. Things haven’t changed. I am still dealing with this issue. It’s not as tough as it was in high school but I’m still struggling. I am slowly getting better at saying no, at resisting the pull of my idol. Two years pass, I get the call to live in Haiti for a longer period of time. I move, I start working for FFP in Haiti. I am now a full-time missionary… lust is still at my doorstep. If I’m honest, this will always be a struggle for me. The choice is mine whether or not to let if overcome me and become an addiction again or not. The thing that is different now, is that I am not relying on my own strength to beat this thing that is much more powerful than I am. I am weak. I am in need of something outside myself to bead this. And this is partly why I have decided to share this. As a step towards victory, I know that where there is light, darkness cannot thrive. (John 1:5)

I am not perfect. I still am weak in my flesh. I still need grace daily. My plea to you is that you would be in prayer for me. That I would walk in the reality that I am a child of the Light, that in me there should not even be a hint of immorality. (Ephesians 5:3) I am also trying to prepare myself for marriage, and this kind of thing cannot be left to run rampant in the life of a man who wishes to love a wife. Please feel free to message me if you have questions, I am an open book. God has taught me alot about being open in the past year or so. I have learned much about myself and my own struggles and how God intends to slowly change me, to slowly mold that stubborn clay. As I daily give myself to Christ and what he has for me instead of my own selfish desires and lusts, I know that there is hope even for a sinner like me.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my honest; after all it’s not something that people want to talk about. I only wish that you life holy hands in prayer for me as I struggle with myself and with this temptation that is ever before me. The road to righteousness is marked by struggle. The sanctification of Ben Henrie in still in progress, “loading” as you could say.

I am not giving up

This is the year I totally break free

Thanks for listening,

This has been your host, Ben Henrie.

You have been reading advenuresofben.

God bless

7 thoughts on “A little honesty. AKA me being vulnerable about the things that used to define me.

  1. Hi Ben, I appreciate your honesty and your desire to surround yourself with brothers and sisters in Christ who will uphold you in prayer before the throne of grace. “For we have not an High Priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities, but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us, therefore, come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:15-16). His mercy and grace is beyond human comprehension! “It is because of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The LORD is good unto those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him” (Lam. 3:22-25). Praise God for His new mercies every morning! “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed thereto according to Thy word. With my whole heart have I sought thee; oh, let me not wander from Thy commandments. Thy word have I hidden in mine heart, that I might not sin against Thee. Blessed art Thou, O LORD; teach me Thy statutes. With my lips have I declared all the ordinances of Thy mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Thy testimonies, as much as in all riches. I will meditate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways. I will delight myself in Thy statutes; I will not forget Thy word” (Ps. 119:9-16). “Make me to go in the path of Thy commandments; for therein do I delight. Incline my heart unto Thy testimonies, and not to covetousness. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity, and revive thou me in Thy way” (Ps. 119:35-37). Stay in the Word, Ben. Keep fighting the good fight. I’m sure many people are praying for you! You are right when you said you can’t do it in your own strength, but . . . God can. “For it is God who worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13). “Being confident of this very thing, that He who hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). I’ll close with this passage, “Wherefore, seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin” ( Heb. 12:1-4). Live with eternity in mind, Ben. Grandpa Longnecker often spoke about the rapture during the services. His smile would be so broad and his eyes sparkled with anticipation. He crossed the finish line. He ran his race well. Grandma did, too. They are part of that cloud of witnesses cheering us on. Run well, Ben. Run well! I love you and will be praying for you! Much love, Aunt Maureen

    Like

  2. What a mark of growing maturity this evidences. Ben, this particular sin area is an epidemic now for men everywhere……….just as my Daniel and Mattie feel pray to the epidemic stronghold of opioid addiction. You will totally break free with Christ’s strength because you are being totally honest about it, confessing it, repenting of it and relying on Him for the emancipation from it. I am soooooo proud of you! God may very well use you to help point other men to gaining victory over this stronghold, too. I do pray God continues to use you in a nightly way in Haiti. So glad you will be there to greet us and help us with our March trip to Haiti. Love you and will keep praying, Mary

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  3. This is victory. Satan loves to keep us in darkness, keep us in fear, keep us bound and quiet, struggling alone, “what will people think if they knew?” But Jesus is light and in him we have forgiveness and freedom. FREEDOM!! Remember who you are Ben- a child of the King, dearly loved, of great worth. Jesus looks at you and smiles and says, “he’s mine”. You are at battle, we all are at battle. Satan would love to destroy us, but Jesus, but Jesus!! Put on the Lord’s armor everyday and stand firm. God bless and care for you, Ben. Know that I will be praying.

    Like

  4. Ben! You are a gift from on high! I pray for you regularly and I will continue to commit you to prayer. I am grateful you stepped out in courage and faith to bring what has been in the dark to the light! This is where freedom comes on a whole different level. God holds you, has you and is going before you. I claim freedom from this bondage over you in the name of Jesus. He is doing a good work in and through you. I will continue to pray for you and look forward to future stories in the adventures of Ben as God’s faithfulness continues to unfold over you. You are loved brother. I am so grateful you and John get to see each other in a couple days….he is sending my love with him!!

    Like

    • Thank you Angel! It is encouraging to hear that from you. Thank you so much for the prayers! They are needed! I receive that in Jesus’ name!! I wish you had been able to come too! Love ya

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s